Not a happy girl.

13 DPO, and I’m not pregnant. And I’m really upset.

I wasn’t going to post this weekend – whatever the outcome, I was just going to let it sink in before I wrote anything. That’s the problem – it’s not sinking in. I can’t accept this. And I’m also confused.

This is my chart.

I could not have asked for a better looking chart post ovulation. The temps kept climbing and climbing, I had lots of cm all the way through, and I made it through 9 and 10 DPO without spotting, like I did last time. Combine these beautiful temps with our timing, and I really, really thought we had it in the bag. I can’t emphasis enough how stupid I was, to be so sure of something, so convinced this happened that N and I started talking about due dates, and when he would take off work. How we would tell the relatives. Colors of a baby room.

Then, Thursday night (11 DPO), I had a small amount of spotting. Nothing major. I know implantation bleeding can happen as late as 12 DPO, so 11 DPO was certainly possible. I had no AF cramping, no AF signs whatsoever. But I started to panic. Then, yesterday, 12 DPO, after light spotting through the morning, I went to the bathroom at lunch to discover a horrible color – bright red. (Sorry for this TMI) I was upset, but I held it together. I threw in a tampon and finished the day. After I came home, I took out the tampon – no more red. Not even on the tampon. Back to a little spotting. Made it through the rest of the evening with nothing, or very, very light spotting. Did some Googling, it’s even possible to have a little bright red implantation spotting. It’s possible. I continued to hold out hope.

I also want to point out that on the two days I had spotting (the last two), my temp went up .2 each time for a total of a .4 increase. How could I have this spotting with that kind of increase? Hope continued.

This morning, as in 15 minutes ago, I woke up, removed the tampon I threw in overnight just in case, still spotting on it. A little bit of red as well. Very light, nothing major. I’ve got nothing right now at all.

I continue to not have any AF cramps, and I always have AF cramps. My temp continues to be up, though it dropped back .2 today, as you can see on the chart. I can’t officially call anything CD 1, because I need a regular flow for that, and that has not happened yet. But who has three days of implantation spotting this late in the game?

I have tested. I tested Thursday, yesterday, and this morning. All negative. Not even a trace of a second line.

I think it’s over. My body is being so cruel to me, in not giving it to me straight one way or the other. For dragging me through the mud. I still don’t officially, fully have AF. I have no signs of AF. My temps are high. But there is still spotting, still blood, still a little red. And negative tests.

I’m all for continuing to have some hope. It’s not over ’til it’s over, anyway. But at this point, this morning, I can’t do it anymore. I simply can’t. Holding out hope for the last week has caused me physical pain. I haven’t been able to sleep, my stomach’s been a mess. I’ve been nursing bananas and Gas-X. Something similar last time happened to me too, the last week. I’m such a wreck, because I’m so hopeful, yet so worried.

Last night, after being sure I was starting AF, N and I went out to dinner, and I ate and ate. I don’t care about the portions or the fat, I was happy that I craved food again, and could eat something that’s not off the BRAT diet. We went to the mall afterwards, stopped at Yankee Candle, had a PG rated good time smelling all the new scents, and picking out a few new ones for our home. I laughed, I paid attention to N, which I haven’t done since ovulation, basically. I’ve been glued to my phone.

If this cycle really is a bust, my goal for the next cycle will be to truly chill the f out (easier said than done, for me), enjoy life during the TWW, and the weeks leading up to ovulation. Which is basically my whole cycle. Enjoy life. Be with N. We will attempt not to talk too much about babies, but we enjoy it. It makes up hopeful. Hope is something you have to have. I think I just had a little too much of it this time.

That said, I still can’t. believe. it. Is it really over? Really? The way I felt 99% sure this happened, that was all in my head? I still don’t have the low temps or the sustained period to fully believe it. But who am I kidding. All those people out there who have found themselves pregnant in the last few months, and I could’ve sworn I would be joining them. I was so absolutely sure.

I know it’s just a BFN. And I know how many of you have gone through this, times 100. It’s just a negative cycle. I understand that, and I’m not meaning to say it’s the biggest thing in the world. I’ll have kids, I know that. I just completely threw my heart and soul into believing this was the one. I had a couple other people believing it, too. I can’t believe it didn’t happen. I still can’t believe it.

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10 DPO, and I’ve gone mad!

It has been three days since my last post, and I feel like it’s been years. Apparently I got used to frequent postings! I wasn’t going to post today, either, but I figured doing a little recap wouldn’t hurt. The reason I haven’t posted is because…

…I’m crazy. Totally insane. I’ve lost my mind, my sanity, I am completely nuts. All thanks to the fun and exciting TWW.

I am 10 DPO. A little cramping (feels like AF cramping, but then, it always has) here and there, hungry constantly (hello, emotional eating), and temps above the cover line. That’s it.

Last cycle, I spotted on 9 and 10 DPO, and got AF on 11 DPO. Hence, you can imagine my excitement at not having any spotting yet. That said, if I did spot, it could be implantation spotting, but since I wouldn’t know for sure, for my sanity I’d just like to not have any spotting, please. The other thing in the back of my mind is that I took B6 pills this round and the non-ovulation round as well, to lengthen the luteal phase. I have heard success of doing this with this pill, so I gave it a whirl. My fear is that my LP has been lengthened, but I’m not pregnant, causing me to wonder for additional days than necessary about why I haven’t spotted yet.

It’s only 10 DPO. I am not testing, yet. However, some people do get positives on 10 DPO. But what if I don’t? I can’t put myself through that. It will have to wait.

Ha – can you see how this post is going? It’s a whole bunch of rambling. While annoying, thank you for allowing me to spill it out, because that is exactly what goes through my head all day, every day. I woke up at 5:00 this morning, took my temp, started Googling. In bed. When I should’ve gone back to sleep for 45 minutes. But I couldn’t! How could I possibly sleep when I am this close to this amazing, life-changing goal?

I’m over-analyzing my chart, I know. However, does it concern you that my post-o temps are so…flat? Where’s the spike, for implantation? Where’s the drop, for implantation? This chart tells me I haven’t implanted anything yet, if I was going to at all. My thermometer is new, it works wonderfully..I’m a big fan. It’s not the thermometer. I’m really stuck at 98.2. If it jumps up, just once, a big jump, I will be thrilled. But I’d rather have it flat than a drop, too. This is torture.

I wasn’t like this last time. Not this bad. Partly because #1 I knew my timing wasn’t great last time, so it was a shot in the dark. #2 I thought it unlikely to happen the first time around, and #3, I had spotting at 9 DPO so it was all over before I could even consider all of this.

There have been so many BFP’s lately, especially with so many of you bloggers, and I just feel like…this could be so nice, to join you. If it doesn’t happen this cycle, I know it will another cycle. I know I’m going to have a child. It’s just…so hard to start all over. To take Clomid again, go through this waiting thing, again. Wait to ovulate, wait out the TWW. I can’t believe I am so close and I could simply be about to start it over again. Or…maybe not. Maybe I have something here. The timing was practically perfect, after all. I just wish these stupid AF-like cramps would go away and stop worrying me.

There’s a lot riding on this cycle, and I’ve really put my everything into it. I’m hoping for a miracle!

“Purple”

Before I get to the photo challenge for the day, let me update on my ovulation chart.

I am still confused. Here is my chart:

Ignore those first 30 days…Clomid 50 mg decided not to work the second time around, so I “stair stepped”. Ignore the three positive OPK’s…it’s really more like two, but it doesn’t matter. The second one was the big one. So here’s my confusion: Fertility Friend confirmed what I always thought to be true – that you ovulate on the day of your low temp, the day before your temp jumps. That’s what I have thought all along, and it looks like many of you have, too. Fertility Friend agrees.

Here’s where the problem comes in. It’s not the OPK’s. I know that they can be somewhat unreliable, and so I’ve taken that with a grain of salt. The issue is my nurse. I had my blood taken on the day of the temp jump (CD 40…though really CD 19). She called me, that day, and said these exact words, “Today’s the day. It looks like you are surging today.” I took that to mean I ovulated that day. I suppose that may not be true but that’s the way I interpreted it. Therefore, she was saying I ovulated the day of my temp jump, not the day before. Maybe my nurse is wrong, and if so, that’s a bit problematic. But she sounded so sure. My count of whatever must have been high.

Does this really matter in the end? Well, not really. But, I was trying to go for a perfect Fertility Friend score. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? Fertility Friend has this pregnancy monitor, and if you have sex three days, two days, and one day before ovulation, plus the day of, and the day after, you get a perfect score. Chances would be “very high” that I would be pregnant. If I ovulated on the day of the temp jump, I would have a perfect score. But with Fertility Friend telling me I ovulated the day of my low temp, I only received a “high” score. Ha. I’m being so picky about it.

That’s just me looking for every little sign that this may actually work.

Now that I’m in the TWW, and loving that I’m finally here, I have paid Google a visit. I swear it didn’t damage me..I’m fine. I did want to know about the insane amount of creamy CM I’ve had since I ovulated. Like, an insane amount. You know, I was just curious. Just…passing the time. NBD. And I found this link. If you are feeling down and frustrated, I don’t recommend looking at this. It checks the most ridiculous of early pregnancy symptoms, and let’s you know how many people have reported those symptoms. I almost wish I didn’t find it. But I did…so…

Regardless of what happened exactly, I ovulated, for sure, and our timing was good. We will see what happens.

Today was one of those days. It’s baby-palooza, let me tell you. All of a sudden, everyone and their mother is pregnant. Someone I work with announced her pregnancy today. I’m very happy for her, and I told her so. But I practically broke in a cold sweat as she said, “I just wanted to let you all know that…” My hands started shaking. Seriously, take it easy!

Then, hours later, we were out at recess, with some other staff members who are not normally out when I am out there. One woman was talking to the newly pregnant coworker, and then she said, “It would be so fun to have a lot of babies around here. Who’s next? Megan?” Really? Seriously? Honest to God. Here we go again. I decided to take the bull by the horns and I said, slightly sarcastically, “Yeah..workin’ on it.” That kept her quiet. I’m trying, okay? I’ve been trying. I needed medical intervention. You just don’t ask those questions!! And while this process has been very frustrating for me, there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. What if I was really going through the ringer? You don’t know, when you ask a question like that, what people have gone through. That’s why you don’t ask. Oh well, now she knows. She can go and tell everyone if she’d like, I don’t care. I’m trying. I’ve been trying. Right now we can all focus on my coworker. It’s her time in the limelight.

Who knows, maybe I’ll have a huge positive secret to keep in a few weeks, rather than a negative one. That would be pretty nice.

Okay, on to the photo challenge. “Purple” was tougher than I thought it would be. I love purple. It’s one of my favorite colors, and I wear a lot of dark, plum purple. However, taking a picture of one of my shirts wasn’t doing it for me, so I started looking around the house for something purple. This was the best I could do:

Yes, this is a vacuum. But not just any vacuum. It’s brand new – we got it yesterday, using our credit card points. This vacuum is supposed to be top of the line in removing animal fur. This is a big problem in my house. As you can see, we have mostly hardwood floors. Dog fur is everywhere. We do vacuum every weekend but it’s not enough. This is supposed to be really good, so we will see. Either way, it’s purple.

Is this week over yet?

 

Where is my egg??

Ugh. This build-up to ovulation thing is exhausting. (So much for Thankful Thursday.)

I haven’t got much to say, because there’s only one thing on my mind: ovulation.

It’s CD 22. One day past three weeks from my last period. Last cycle, on CD 22, I got my first smiley face. On CD 23 the same happened, and on CD 24, I ovulated. This cycle, the last week or so has been exactly like last cycle. My temps have been exactly the same, to the day, that they were last cycle, including this morning. However, there are a few things that haven’t happened yet:

I did not get a smiley face today, and I was really hoping for one. I have not had cramps on one side of me, like I did last time, to let me know that it was my left side releasing the egg. Nothing. My CM is not quite egg-white (sorry, TMI), and I was expecting it to be.

What the heck??

I’m not worrying about it too much, as I’m still banking on it happening in two days. I’ve been planning as such, and DH and I are in the middle of a marathon, gearing up for the home stretch. I’m making sure to cover all my timing bases, so to speak, and leaving no days around O time unturned! But if O doesn’t happen when I thought it would (ie, Saturday), I don’t know how much longer we will be able to continue without a break!

I actually look forward to the TWW, when I can say I did all I could, and got my timing down wonderfully. If those two things happen, I will be content for the next two weeks. And of course, trying to keep up the optimism, I’m still attempting the thought: “This will happen for me this cycle. Clomid is going to work.” I sure hope so. But where is my egg???

Come on, egg, let’s get this thing started.

I’m not in a funk.

I’m not in a funk. Don’t worry. However, this is the same time during my last cycle that I was in a funk, and I know why. It’s CD 17, and there are no signs of ovulation. I’m not overly concerned, not yet anyway, because I did not ovulate on Clomid Round 1 until CD 24. But that’s still a week away. Last cycle at this time, I was sure it wasn’t going to happen at all, and that it would be a waste of a cycle. This time, I’m telling myself I’ll apparently ovulate around the same time, so no panicking until after CD 24. So, like I said, I’m not in a funk. But geez, this waiting to ovulate thing. Why couldn’t I have taken Clomid days 3-7, and therefore ovulated earlier? Why has my nurse just shoved the pills at me and basically said, “Good luck”?

Plus, I’m using those cheaper, non-digital OPK’s now, and I want to know: Are they accurate? My second line in the morning is always very faint, but visible. In the afternoons it isn’t visible at all. Am I drinking too much water after lunch? I’ve been holding off going to the bathroom from noon to at least 4:00, sometimes later, but I do have some water in between. Is that okay?

My temperature was the exact same four days in a row, which is always concerning regarding the quality of the thermometer, but that same thermometer worked great last cycle. Just to check, I used  it last night, and got a different reading. Phew, it does work. Then this morning’s temp – the same temp as last night!

Here is what it comes down to. I just want to be sure I am doing absolutely everything in my power to make this baby. Even if it doesn’t happen, I want to know that I did everything I could. That  means I can’t mess up 1) my temps, 2) observing my CM, 3) my BD timing, and 4) reading my OPK’s.

Right now my temps are acting oddly, my CM is constant but not what I’m looking for, my BD timing is…well, okay so far. A few days-in-a-row and a few every-others, and my OPK’s…well the second line is barely there. That’s all fine and good as long as it’s correct. As long as I’m not making an error. I’ll go ahead and wait until next weekend, when it should be time, and then we will try with all our  mights.

This cycle, as I have said before, I’m not telling  my husband when I get the smiley face, or now, the second line. That was way too much pressure for him last time. He doesn’t want to know. That’s fine with me, actually. But it does make it quieter around here. In the past few years, and especially months, we have talked about everything regarding TTC. Everything. He hears it all, and we talk about it. Now that he doesn’t want to know, I don’t have much to share regarding that. Oh well. One more week and then after that, then I may start panicking. I’ll be calling up my nurse and cursing her out for not getting me that CD 21 blood test.

As I re-read this post, I think to myself, “Holy teacher!” Talk about controlling. I’ve always been that way – a total teacher by nature. Slightly Type-A, with both feet planted firmly on the ground, saying, “Okay, how can I fix this? How can I change this? How can I control this?” I guess I picked the right career, at least. And of course, after a certain point, I can’t control it, and that drives me absolutely insane.

I wasn’t going to post today, actually. I have spent the last few hours in the Saturday morning dawn doing some “blog business” – that is, scouting the internet for new blogs. I used the blogroll on Stirrup-Queens site, found a few areas that might match me, and clicked away. Can I just tell you how many times I clicked on a link to a blog where the person was pregnant? Not only that, but at least 5 I clicked on were pregnant with twins? Or had just given birth to twins? These blogs were in the wrong section, obviously. But seriously. I think in two hours of searching I found one, maybe two blogs, that were in a similar place I am now, that were not pregnant. Is everyone getting pregnant right now?? Needless to say, I didn’t have much luck this morning.

You guys would know better than I would, anyway. So if you know of a great blog that you’d like to share, I would love to check it out!