I’ve moved on. And it didn’t take long – less than a day. It was almost the quick flip of a switch – frustrated, angry and down one minute, and the next was an epiphany. I am going to get pregnant, and I think it’s going to happen soon.
I’m simply saying – this is my last IUI. What will be will be, in regards to this new round of follistim. But after that, I’m moving to IVF. Assuming there is nothing else wrong in my body besides what I already know about (including eggs that just don’t grow on their own, autoimmune issues, and all that fun stuff), there’s no reason why I can’t actually get pregnant. What happens once I’m pregnant is a different story, and I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. Until then, I have to assume IVF will work. It’s going to work. And maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised by this last IUI.
When you do a coin toss, it’s basically impossible to know which side of the coin will be facing up. Calling it in the air simply locks in your luck at that moment, and that’s it. The flipping of a coin is how I sometimes feel in regards to trying to conceive.
I’m getting to that time in my life where my friends will soon have living, breathing children in their arms. Leading up to this point, I could still say, most of us are without children. But with the future baby boom lingering on the horizon, I feel I have to put everything in perspective.
How awesome it is, how amazing, that all these little life forms were created. I mean, really, they are all little miracles. And I can’t wait to meet them, get to know them, and shower them with love. As the days pass, excitement grows. Yet, on occasion, the other side of the coin flips up that morning. It doesn’t change a single thought I have for all my pregnant friends, but it simply adds another one on top of the pile: I sometimes feel like I’m frozen in time. Have you ever seen on TV, where they speed up something that took a long time, like a flower growing, so that it happens before your very eyes in seconds? Or a forest scene, going from sunrise to sunset? That’s what it feels like watching the world around me change. But I imagine that if you took my life in the past year, and sped it up to show my “growth”, nothing would change. I would remain exactly like I was a year prior – physically, anyway. Mentally, I suppose I have changed, though not necessarily in a good way. I’m frozen in time.
Flip the coin again, and I realize – there is so much more to my life than this stupid battle with fertility. Day to day, it’s hard for me to realize this, and I can’t find my own way. But when I step back and read the heartaches and successes of other bloggers, or hear stories about people’s achievements in hard times, or any number of other things that crop up in a single day, I have to know, there’s more to life than having kids. Right now, it’s probably the last thing anyone wants to hear, including me. But isn’t it true? For me, there’s the big things: a marriage, a home, puppies, a wonderful career that is very fulfilling…family, friends, etc. There’s the little things: a room of smiling students, getting a card in the mail, watching an awesome movie, or, my favorite, eating ice cream. There’s more. I’m so glad my “down” day from this failed cycle was short-lived, so I could move right along and flip that coin again.
That’s the funny thing about flipping a coin, though – there will be times it lands on heads, and other times, tails. Expect both, if you’re planning to conduct multiple flips. I’m feeling positive tonight, as I’m sure you can tell, but I’m not forcing myself to always feel this way. There will be bad days, and maybe they won’t have anything to do with babies and pregnancy. Or maybe they will. Either way, it’s all good. This is part of the journey. A part I truly wish was over, mind you, but regardless. It’s here, and I do think it’ll be over soon.
I’m four days into my next round of shots, and this time, I’m avoiding the blood vessels. Though my arm is starting to look like that of a drug dealer, I’m loving the fast pace of this round. I get my period and I actually get to start gearing up for the next round. By the way – this period was by far the worst I have had in 10 years. I thought I was going to throw up. Crazy! Luckily it’s almost over. In a few days I’m going for my next ultrasound, and check in on how many follies are growing in there.
I was too hard on myself in my last post, and I forget that fact. I always am – it’s definitely not my best trait. Along with that, I can get slightly obsessive about certain topics, and the Paleo diet was starting to head down that road. I must move on. I’m happily enjoying stevia again.
And finally, to prove that I really have turned over a new leaf tonight, I’m inviting you to check out my new blog. Yes, another one. This is a teaching blog. I’ve been wanting to write one for a while, and I even wrote up a few posts and left them on this blog. But as my mind starts to wander to other topics other than babies, which I think is a healthy thing for me, I realized that I need a new space, where I don’t even touch the subject of TTC. It’s almost liberating – I can write about other things, focus on other aspects of my life. So, it’s brand-new, obviously, but hopefully I’ve learned a thing or two about blogging and can get going on it quickly. I’m hoping it becomes less of a diary (as this one has turned out to be) and more of a place to share creative ideas and activities related to teaching. There’s a lot out there – a whole other planet of supportive adults, reaching out to each other along the lines of the same topic. I’m looking forward to expanding my horizons. There’s more to life.