29 weeks

Thanks again, everyone! It was a crappy weekend at the hospital for sure – even though I wasn’t actually ill I felt that way, both from the mag sulfate and just the way hospitals are. I should say, I’ve never stayed at a hospital before. Never broke bones, never had a serious illness – so this was the first time. Nurses and doctors were all wonderful and nice, but it’s weird to be woken up 6 times a night, no longer caring who is seeing all of your parts, or that your hair is dirty and looks gross. Anyway, I’m not a fan. But the mag sulfate worked, and so that’s why I was there.

Today I had a follow-up appointment. The babies are approximately 3lbs 4 oz and 3 lbs 3 oz. Perfectly healthy. Bug’s head is so low that to find the heartbeat the monitor goes on my crotch. He’s head down and the doctor said his head is the cork holding it all in. Goat is breech with her head under my ribs, which explains that pain I’ve been feeling. I passed the non-stress test and went home.

Things are happening, though, both in my uterus and in my brain. (TMI alert) – my mucous plug is coming out. I thought for sure I had an infection but all the cultures are negative. I’m losing the plug. It’s been happening since my last night in the hospital. From what I’ve read, labor isn’t necessarily imminent but in my mind, that was a step towards it. The doctor didn’t really have much to say. Yes, I was in preterm labor but they stopped it, yes I am losing my plug. I still have waters intact, no bleeding, and contractions are now at bay. It’s officially a waiting game. I don’t even have an appointment for 3 weeks because there’s nothing to do. It could be days or weeks.

I made a mental change in my thinking yesterday after I realized the plug was coming out and I freaked out. I spent the whole pregnancy telling myself I’d make it far, I’d make it full term, whatever. So when this scare happened I was taken aback. But I’ve turned my thinking around. 29 weekers, whose mother has no health problems, can be okay. It could be okay. If I can hold off, great, but it could happen tomorrow and I’ve accepted that. We are going to have little babies, I’m just not sure how little. I spent time panicking over the health of my children long term due to being preemies, and that’s an exhausting and emotional roller coaster of which there is no answer. So I’m trying to tuck that worry away too.

So now that I’ve accepted this new realization, that I could give birth at any time, I’ve put away some fears and brought up others instead.

– Bug is head down and read to come out and Goat is breech. The doctor thinks I could end up with both a vaginal and c-section. That scares me! Can’t it just be one way or the other? Don’t care which. Talk about a long recovery time.

– If my water breaks and no one is home, well there are people I could call, but I’m just saying – that’s pretty stressful! Did you see that news story about the woman who gave birth to her 30 week twins on the highway? I do not want that to be me.

And otherwise, I just feel unbelievably unprepared. Obviously it’s not crucial that the nursery is done (we still need to order carpeting), the decorating and furniture building is complete (not even on my radar), or that I didn’t have a shower (I’m moving past that one). Nothing about this pregnancy journey has gone normally. But I never toured the hospital, never got to take a breastfeeding course (or any course for that matter), never found a daycare (didn’t even look yet), never found a pediatrician (again, haven’t looked)…. You get the point.

Our house isn’t ready and we aren’t ready. Yes, I know if they were born tomorrow they’d be in the NICU for quite a while, allowing time to get things ready. But it just feels so odd to be doing all of this in the wrong order! You’re not supposed to give birth and then plan for it!

At this point I just have no idea what’s going to happen. I will continue the bed rest of course and just do what I’ve been doing, and hopefully days and weeks pass. If not, then… not.

23 weeks!

I’ve been doing such a good job at not being paranoid and not reading Google – until now. But first, a new picture. I feel that during this past week, while on school vacation, I “popped”. Granted, I had already grown a nice goose egg up until this point, as can be seen in the first picture, taken at 21.5 weeks. A week and a half later, and woah – that is a belly.

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So that was a week and a half ago. Today, I’ve got this:

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Yes, I’ve grown. And since I didn’t feel any differently otherwise upon waking up, today I did 3 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, and went to CVS, the grocery store, and Target. Mind you, none of this was done all at once. It was spread out throughout the day. But still, my couch time was basically non-existent. After my last errand, when I realized how exhausted I was, and how heavy my stomach was, I finally sat on the couch, only to notice my stomach harden (like it does alllll the time), but for a minute at a time and then lessen up. Many times. While doing nothing. So cue slight paranoia.

Of course, this also happened at the same time I was reading the book “Juggling Twins” – where I read, and not for the first time, that the two things I can do that are in my control to push away preterm labor are eat more, and do less. More rest. Cue guilt.

Now that I’ve eaten dinner and chugged some water, the hardening seems to have stopped. Therefore, I am coming to the conclusion that they were Braxton Hicks. It’s so hard to tell! My stomach is hard all time and has been for weeks. It is very rarely squishy. That said, I could see that the tightening kept coming and going, which worried me. I started getting worried about preterm labor, which is a worry never far from the front of my brain. But I have no other symptoms. So I’m going to keep chugging water and try not to worry. Obviously if something else happens, I’ll call the doctor on duty. I do think I overdid it today, and it caused the BH.

The thing is, and I’ve talked about this before – I don’t know how to do less. I say this because I thought I WAS doing less! I don’t exercise a lick, I do basic cleaning rather than real cleaning, I don’t make dinner, when I sit I do put my feet up, and I go to bed early.

And what’s my husband doing? He is completely redoing our entire house. As it is, he cooks all my meals, walks the dogs, vacuums, etc. But prior to being pregnant, we started redoing everything – every room in this house is or has gotten new paint, new moulding, new doors, new wood floors, new carpet…you get the idea. And now that we are kind of in a time crunch, he spends all his free time working on these projects. I can’t ask him to do literally everything else too.

And I’m not worried about letting some major chores go. But dishes in the sink do need to be taken care of. Dogs need to be fed. I don’t know. I keep reminding myself to do less and sit more, and then I legitimately forget. Like I said, it’s not like I go to the gym. These are basics. Should I put a chair in the shower, for Pete’s sake?

Anyway, I do want to rest. I truly do. I just can’t seem to tell when I’ve done too much until it’s too late. And now that I’m going back to school on Monday, I REALLY need to learn this lesson. Keeping the babies cooking is my number one priority, and sometimes I forget that it’s different with twins. It’s a higher risk. Just slow down already!!

I’ll try again tomorrow. I’ve got three more loads of laundry on my list – comforter, sheets, and dog blankets. Maybe I’ll just look past the inches of dog fur…

22 weeks, weight gain and “tough” decisions

Today is 22 weeks and every Saturday, I’m just glad to have made it another week. Bug and Goat, as they’ve been determined to be called, continue to cook away. I feel lots of movement with both of them, though I still relate it to gas bubbles. It seems like most people, when they first feel movement, are in awe of the feeling. To me,  they feel familiar. I suppose that means prior to being pregnant I’ve had a lot of gas…

My husband has been able to feel it a couple of times, but usually when there’s all types of bubbling going on in there, as soon as his hand finds my stomach, it stops. Isn’t that just the way. In addition, for the first time a few days ago when I was by myself, I actually watched my stomach move without having to touch it. So that is cool.

I’ve been feeling large, which is fine with me. It probably has a lot to do with the heaviness of my stomach, as I’ve talked about before. When I recline or sit back, my stomach feels like a heavy set of bricks, threatening to crush me and limit my breathing. When I stand up, it feels like it’s going to fall off and I need to hold on to it. In those moments, the only position is sitting straight up. We got brand-new, comfy couches you can sink into – and those aren’t helping at the moment. So I sit propped up with a pillow.

But interestingly enough, those who see me every day view me as “small”. I think it’s a compliment, as apparently pregnant women don’t want to be called “big”. Someone who is not normally in my building found out I was pregnant the other day, and when I ran into her in the bathroom, she said, “I had no idea you were pregnant – you can’t tell at all!” She wasn’t being polite, she was genuinely shocked. Um, really?

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What does that look like, then? I just ate a Big Mac? To her defense, I was wearing a black sweater – I guess that can be deceiving if you’re not looking at me from the side. But still.

See, carrying twins, I don’t want to be small. I want to be appropriately large, because I want appropriately large, healthy babies. I’d rather look like an elephant and have twins with healthy birth weights, rather than be small. I wasn’t thinking I was looking small, until a few people said I did.

This all leads me to weight gain. Prior to being pregnant, with a few years of thyroid problems, fertility drugs and an inability to motivate myself, I gained probably 10-15 pounds. Yuck. Still within the “normal” BMI, but not where I wanted to be to feel good. Then, when the nausea kicked in big-time at 5 and a half weeks, I lost 7 pounds. So, once the weight started to go back on, I considered that my starting point.

One of the things I see recommended a lot for those carrying multiples is to gain a lot of weight. That seems to be the number one most important thing you can do. 24 pounds by 24 weeks, or something like that. Well, I was doing okay. A week ago at 21 weeks, I had gained 15 pounds. Not quite there but on my way. Then over the weekend, I got the stomach bug. (Sidebar – I’ve now had one of the worst head colds in memory and a very unpleasant stomach bug. Do pregnant people get sick more often?) I lost 5 pounds. At this point, I was at a 10 pound weight gain overall, at 21 weeks. So far I’ve gained a few of those pounds back.

So overall, let’s say in 22 weeks, I’ve gained 13-14 pounds. I feel like I should be gaining more weight, and I know that the best way to do that is to eat! Aren’t pregnant women supposed to be all-day feeding machines? You know, an appetite of a 10-year old boy? Well, it’s really not that way.

In fact, the bigger I get, the less I can eat in one sitting, because nothing fits in there. If I shove too much in, I pay for it later with heartburn and discomfort. The late night snack that is recommended? Can’t do it – too close to bedtime, resulting in….heartburn. So I’m not eating that much, really. Not to mention, I need to make sure some of what I eat everyday is produce to…help with digestion. I’m certainly not going to gain weight from my daily apple, banana, pear, and cantaloupe. So it’s a bit of a struggle – I need lots of fruits and veggies, but they don’t help me gain weight. I’m always full after my main meals, and I don’t want a nighttime snack. This is a weird position to be in, for sure.

These thoughts are similar to what I was thinking about last week, with overdoing it at work. I look “small”, and I’ve recently put WAY too much on my plate job-wise, and I come home and again think, I’m doing too much. But it doesn’t look that way at the time, while at work, because I’m in the zone and doing my thing. I don’t know how to “take it down a notch” as an elementary school teacher. I feel like the only way I could is with a doctor’s order. Otherwise, in the moment, I’m doing my job.

Finally, recently I’ve been struggling with decisions that could only be put into the category of “pregnant women problems”. Are they really problems? Not really. But they’re there. We had made some decisions – names, colors, certain things for the registry. And in the past week, we’re questioning EVERYTHING. We’re back to the drawing board on names – we still like the ideas we had, but I think we’ve said them so many times that they’re losing their effect – making us wonder if they’re the right names at all. The same goes for nursery ideas, colors, etc. We do know we’re going with a nice yellow color for the walls, which is different from our original mint green. It’s a cornsilk yellow. The furniture will be cherry, so kind of dark, making the other main color dark brown. Earthy, which is fine. But yellow and brown? Do I need to be thinking about decorations, adding more colors, etc? Do I need a theme? Like, jungle animals or something? I’m not really a theme type of person, at least not for a child’s room.

It doesn’t matter what I’m talking about – I can’t make a decision on anything all of a sudden. It’s like when you go into a Yankee Candle store – after the 20th scent, your nose goes numb and that’s it, you’re done. It’s frustrating. I know we have time, but I want the decisions made because I can then do things with the decisions that make me happy. But in reflection, these “problems” are pretty good to have. Last fall, I couldn’t have imagined even getting to this point.

As a side note, here are some new pictures of Riley and Sadie. Before Bug and Goat arrive, these dogs (who wake up promptly at 6:00 am, no matter what time they go to bed) are my babies.

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My super heavy belly

Okay friends, I think my blog reader has been acting funny so I’m missing many of your posts, and I’m not sure who is missing mine. That said, I’ve got a first-time preggo question for you, whether you’ve had one, two, or more babies at once.

I’ve actually mentioned it before, many weeks ago, but it kind of went away.

My stomach is FULL, TIGHT, and HEAVY. Emphasis on the heavy. All. Day. Long.

I’m not worried something is wrong, but I do want to be able to know if these are Braxton Hicks or a twin thing, or something else altogether.

I don’t know if I’ve ever had BH, but I always thought that when I had one, I’d know it. Isn’t BH when your whole stomach goes rock hard for a few minutes, you feel a weird pressure, and then it goes away?

This isn’t that. This starts at about 10 in the morning and lasts all day, only getting worse as the day goes on. When I stand up, my stomach feels so heavy I just feel this need to hold it from the bottom and get myself in a chair immediately. When I sit, my stomach feels like it’s a pile of bricks piling on top of each other, so that’s not comfortable either. When I recline, my back kind of hurts and I have a little shortness of breath. Therefore, there is no comfortable position. Laying on my left side at night on my Snoogle is about the only thing that feels okay. Forget bending over – I can’t even tie my shoes!

When I eat, it’s all the worse. I’m quickly realizing I physically can’t eat more than a few bites without feeling full.

Here’s the thing: I’m only 20 weeks! I’m probably showing somewhere between 24-26 weeks I’d guess. I know many, many people who, at 24-26 weeks, had a cute bump and went about their lives with little discomfort. I feel like I’m 500 weeks pregnant! Gosh, many pregnant women still go to the gym, and I can barely walk from the bedroom to the kitchen without holding my stomach and becoming winded!

Like I said, I don’t think this is BH. My stomach is tight and hard, but not rock hard. I can still push on my stomach and it gives a little. And the heaviness lasts all day. I’m big, but not that big.

Am I cooking up little hulk babies? Or is this a normal thing?

20 Weeks and Gender Reveal!

I am 20 weeks today, and we had our second trimester scan a few days ago. Both babies were healthy, cervix looked good, no issues! And now, for the big reveal, we are having……

a BOY and a GIRL!! I am SO. excited.

When I was younger, and just assumed I’d conceive and have babies like it was nobody’s business, I didn’t want to know the sex of my first baby. It seemed like a nice surprise in the moment of giving birth, no need for rushing a good surprise, and for some people, I think that’s accurate. My own opinion changed, though, for 2 reasons. First of all, because I’m having twins. I mean – I don’t know, having two girls versus two boys is quite different and for my Type A personality, I don’t know if I could handle not knowing two babies’ sexes. More than that, though, my opinion changed going through infertility. After all the “surprises” of negative tests and failed Clomid cycles, IUI’s, etc., this was one surprise I didn’t want to wait for anymore. I think I’ve been in a state of denial the past 20 weeks, though it’s been letting up slowly but surely. It was never a denial of, “This can’t be happening to me”, because it’s been the #1 thing I’ve wanted since I can remember, and I was fully aware that it was, in fact, happening. It was more like this fear that if I got too excited, I’d take it for granted that I actually was pregnant, and if I took it for granted, it might just all go away. Totally irrational, but I think that’s what it was.

So instead, I vowed not to take it for granted, and therefore spent every waking minute thinking about it, which 1) caused unnecessary worry quite often, and 2) filled me with this overwhelming feeling that I couldn’t handle, making me more introverted and slightly cranky. People wanted to talk about it and ask me questions and I found myself not even wanting to think about the answers because my brain could not process the whole idea. Now, 20 weeks in, I’ve processed the fact of my twin pregnancy more than I have yet, not that it’s 100%, but that may not happen until they’re born. Anyway, I knew finding out the sexes would be the smartest thing I could do for myself, because it makes it more real and allows me to picture my future family. This has worked, and since the scan, my worries have mostly gone out the window (for a limited time, I’m sure). I can’t stop looking at the pictures and checking their little 3-D faces (I swear boy looks like my husband).

Like I’m said, I’m still not 100% there. In my own head and with my husband, I’m in total baby mode and loving how that feels. Out loud, though, I’m still not totally ready to pour out my emotions to anyone. This poor coworker of mine – I kind of snapped at her the other day for no reason. Actually, that happens a lot lately and it feels my internal filter has stopped working and needs a deep cleansing (very sorry, friends!). But one person in particular made a comment to me as I was heading back to my classroom during an assembly to grab a snack. She said, “Go get some food – gotta feed those babies!” And that just didn’t feel comfortable – it felt weird, like my stomach is see-through and everyone focuses on just them, when they are still so small and not here yet. And also, eating is just not something I want to be…public. I don’t know. Don’t watch me eat. Don’t tell me to have another candy because I’m eating for 3. That wasn’t this coworker – lots of people have started in on those comments. Moving on…so I said, “Feed babies? I’m feeding ME!” (In my head I was muttering something along the lines of the babies being too young to enjoy my yogurt.) And in retrospect….that was unnecessary. I’m working on that. I’m very aware that people whom I don’t know THAT well (not friends and family) are just excited for me, and therefore want to know every answer to all their questions. They also stare at my stomach before they meet my eyes, which is creepy. The whole concept is still kind of weird. It’s like when guys stare at your chest before they look at your face, except my chest has never been more than a “nearly A” cup so that never happened to me. I’m not used to it. So, yeah, I’m not 100% there yet. But coming along.

With that said, I’m a horrible liar, and therefore feel this need to answer everyone’s questions honestly when really, I don’t need to do that. The question of names is being asked, and while I don’t mind my friends and family knowing where we stand, the idea of telling everyone I know bothers me and so, I’m not doing it. We think we have the names. But I have no idea what the next <20 weeks will bring, and I don’t want a name locked down out loud only for it to change, or for someone to make a comment, or whatever. But I don’t lie well, like I said. So I’ve mentioned what we think the names are, with the comment that it could and probably will change. The one thing I’m not comfortable doing is referring to the babies by the names we are thinking about. I feel like it’s way too early for that, and in addition, it just…again, makes me uncomfortable. When they’re out, that’s when they’ll have their names. Until then, they are a baby boy and a baby girl. My fear is that in telling people what we think the names will be, they will start calling them that. You know, “How are _____ and ______ doing?” If that happens, I might cringe and actually say, please don’t call them that. Which is rude, it’s just…I’m not there.

And it’s nice to have at least ONE secret. IVF was so public. My emotions were so public. I couldn’t hide being pregnant for long. I didn’t hide the sexes. So the names are the one thing I get to keep to myself, with my husband and I rattling around different names and ideas and knowing that we don’t have to share them with the world. I like that feeling. So, I don’t plan on referring to them by what we think their names will be, at least for quite a while, both in blog world and real life, and I’m just praying no one else does either. But “boy and girl” are boring, too. I’m reminded of Robin who affectionately called her babies in utero “Apple and Banana” for Baby A and Baby B, which I thought was super-cute. Belle calls her baby “Chicken” and Sunny calls hers “Bagel”.  So catchy! I’m trying to think of names that start with B and G.

Biscuit and Gravy? Blueberry and Grape? Beans and Granola? (Kidding…)

Ooh, or what about animals?

B – Bug, Bear, Bat, Badger, Boar, Beagle…. G – Goat, Goose, Goldfish, Gecko, Gopher… Hmmm… Badger and Gopher? Bug and Goat?

What do you think? I need two cute nicknames…

I still have moments of “panic” daily, usually along the lines of “What if….” and it’s something that I know I can’t control. Drink lots of water, put your feet up and rest, and that’s all you can do. I’m more than halfway there and am so excited about making it to the finish line.

12w3d and I’m still counting

I was very happy to hit 12 weeks this past weekend. And then I remembered, nothing has changed! I’ll be happy for 13, and every week after that. This is requiring so.much.patience. But what I really can’t wait for is Wednesday. And Thursday. Wednesday is the NT scan, Thursday is our monthly checkup where I’m assuming we will get to hear heartbeats. I think I’ve said this before, but it seems like ages ago we had our last ultrasound, and in fact, it was 5 weeks ago, with the fertility specialist. I’m just dying to make sure everything is okay in there.

I don’t know how you girls manage it when you have a scare. I give you a lot of credit. Today, this can’t even count as a scare, but it still put a damper on my day: there was…some coloration. Let’s put it that way. Everything has always been clear or close to it, and today, it wasn’t. There was some minor….color. Cue me going to the bathroom 5000 times and attempting to read about it online while in the bathroom. And finding nothing. And it has not been around since so I’m not overly panicking, it’s just – unnerving. You know, it’s the worst time to be a teacher, when you’re pregnant. The kids didn’t have P.E. until 2:30 this afternoon. So with the exception of lunch at 12:30, I had those 24 kids straight from 8:30-2:30 with no break. Ugh. It has been so long since I met with any doctor that time goes by where you question if this is even happening. And you start to doubt your symptoms.

That said, I can’t deny the fact that I still feel like crap most of the day. Now, though, the nausea is directly food-related. I’m nauseous when I’m hungry, nauseous when I eat too much, nauseous..all the time. I need round-the-clock food – but I keep making the mistake of eating too much in one sitting. The severity is better, however, and I’ve made it down to 2 Zofran pills in a 24 hour period, instead of the original 4. So there is progress there.

My gut is large and in charge. I still think some of it is bloating, but it’s all day, morning and night, and it’s extremely obvious. I haven’t announced it at work still and people are now looking at my stomach when talking to me instead of my eyes. It is a large belly, I think.

And there’s other things too, but really, I just need it to be Wednesday, and I need to know those little zygotes have grown and look good.

Twin pregnant friends – my next ultrasound after this 12 week NT scan isn’t until about 20 weeks – are any of you being monitored more often when you don’t have any complications? This just seems like a long space of time in between.

And finally, I took someone’s advice and started putting my emotional energy into baby products rather than symptoms and fears. Belle, I’m taking your advice and reading Baby Bargains cover to cover. I plan to look for the best deals. I’ll be damned if these twins break my bank. So far, we’ve made two decisions and I’ll tell you, it feels good to make a decision.

Now I’m not saying I won’t change my mind or that I won’t later be like, what was I thinking? But right now, having these decisions made makes me smile. One less thing right now, you know?

So, product-wise, we’ve decided on a crib (well, cribs) and I’m pleased with the ratings and price, and we decided on what to use at night those first few weeks in our bedroom, since there isn’t room for a crib and we aren’t trekking up the stairs a million times. After doing some research, it seems the twin pack n play with bassinets isn’t a good purchase, and I don’t think I want the co-sleeper. So, two rock n plays it is! I know about the risk for flat heads and hope to have them nap during the day in their cribs. The rock n plays would be for night, or I’ll just – I don’t know, rotate how they are positioned in there. But the reviews are great, and this seems like the best option. Do you think we could buy those gently used?

By the way, when I say “plan”…I’m not saying everything has to go this way or else. Believe me, I’m not that naive. But having a tentative “plan” right now gets me geared up and makes me feel just slightly more prepared.

Progress is happening on the outside, for sure. I just hope it’s also happening on the inside! Two more sleeps!

10 weeks

Tomorrow, I will be ten weeks pregnant with twins. This double digit milestone is something I’ve been hopeful to reach for what seems like forever, with the next goal being, of course, 12 weeks. But even with these goals being met, I still have so long to go. And given my infertile journey and my worrying nature anyway, it just seems so hard to believe that this will continue to be my new normal.

But right now, it is, and I’m actually starting to internalize it. I’m not in a panic everyday, and I wake up each morning assuming that I’ll still be pregnant every night. So that’s good – I think I’m on the right track.

I’ve been a lot more comfortable in my newly pregnant skin in the last week and a half. Which, with that, has brought about something many of you have described after becoming pregnant – an infertile’s guilt. I don’t have, like, deep guilt by any means. I do believe that I deserve this and it was bound to happen eventually, and I feel for everyone that has had it so much worse than I ever did. However, sometimes I feel sort of sheepish. I mean it was only weeks ago that I was a hot mess, emotional, bitter and cranky. If I saw a young mom on the street with her baby, lord help me. And that was only weeks ago. If I could’ve just slapped my own face, told myself to chill, be a pleasant person and stop looking so pissed off..I don’t know. Now that I’ve slowly started to find my old self again, my old personality, I’m almost embarrassed. I get why I felt the way I did, and if something happened and I had to do it over again, I’d go right back to that place. But right now I’m happier, and it feels weird. Sometimes it feels like I shouldn’t be too happy, or at least shouldn’t show too much happiness, because people might think I’m totally nuts. Anyway, I know caring what other people think is a bad idea, but I’m just saying. I’m glad I’m happy right now and I can’t believe how miserable I have been. Talk about a personality switch.

Anyway. I’ve slowly started to figure out this new system of mine – what it likes, hates, needs, how much and how often. It only took me 10 weeks. Eating needs to be literally nonstop, meals need to have protein, and Zofran needs to be taken at 6, noon, and 6 again to keep nausea at least somewhat under control. Sometimes, at night, when there isn’t a single food I could eat that could help the nausea and I’ve given the yogurt spoon many tries, sleep is the only cure. When I’m super nauseous, I shiver like I’ve got a fever of 102. Green apples are always a sure bet, along with anything moist. No crackers, toast, or dry meats for me. Yuck. Instead of all-day nausea, I’d call it more like all-day minus about three hours. This is an improvement. Water is my best friend, along with root beer because it masks the horrible taste of Zofran. If I go to bed too early (like 8-8:30), I wake up super easily all through the night, and lie there awake needing to pee and feeling crappy but too lazy to get up. But if I go to bed too late (10:00 last night), after lying down for 10 minutes or so I get the hunger-nausea, and it is bad enough that I yank out my retainer (sexy, I know) and stuff gluten-free puffins cereal with almond milk down my throat. So many rules, and when it comes to food, I’ve made some advances.

One thing I haven’t figured out is my body. I mean, I’m extremely bloated and maybe that means showing a little, I don’t know. But it’s not like I’m huge or anything. So why am I so instantly out of shape and out of breath from virtually everything? I had to rush around the house the other day and was painfully winded and nauseous. I brought the trash out, and was winded. Today my students cleaned their desks, and as I went from desk to desk, bending over slightly and turning my head to the side to see into them, I felt light headed and dizzy. And out of breath. Taking the dogs for a walk – our nightly ritual? Almost out of the question. No more gym for me. I figured this would all happen months from now, but I never thought so soon. It’s just weird to think about how not in control I am of my own body. Granted, I wasn’t in control when I couldn’t get pregnant either. But it feels weird.

We met with two different practitioners, made our decision, and even heard the heartbeats, which was exciting. (Did I write about this in my last post? My apologies because I can’t remember.) One was in the 170’s, and the other the 140’s. We now have our 12 week ultrasound/scan thing scheduled, and I guess we will go from there. We plan to sit down this weekend and figure out how to be as financially smart as possible from now until July. But otherwise, we have no idea what we’re doing.

For now, every day that goes by with sickness, a growing and sore chest and no problems, I thank the lucky stars and go to bed hoping for the same outcome the next day.