So frustrated!

It’s days like today where I’d like to scream in frustration. Or possibly punch someone in the face, because that seems gratifying. What I actually did was eat some chips and have (gasp!) a soda…with caffeine!

We were supposed to go on vacation this weekend. I know it seems like I’ve been on a lot of vacations this summer but I really have not. We visited my grandparents in Maine for 3 days in July, and I did get to the cape for a few days last week, but that wasn’t with my husband. He and I were supposed to go to his lake house for 3 nights – originally Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. As this weekend drew nearer, I had a feeling it wouldn’t continue to be a 3 night, 4 day vacation, because I knew I’d have to get into the doctor’s at some point. So all week long we’ve been playing it by ear, to see which day we would go, and for how many nights.

I went in for my baseline on Monday, went for bloodwork only on Thursday, and was told to come in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork (today is CD 7). So that’s when N and I realized that our 3 night vacation would definitely go down to 2 nights, or maybe even only 1 night, depending on when they next want to see me.

So I’m getting probed, per usual, you know, again with a weekend nurse. She actually walked in me in the middle of undressing…good times. Anyway, she’s digging around for buried treasure in there, and it’s only CD 7, so I’m not expecting a lot. And rightly so. There are no follicles greater than 10mm, and frankly, I don’t believe any are even bigger than like 6 or 7 mm. She didn’t even tell me how many there were, because it’s too early. But I do have two giant 20+mm cysts on my left ovary.

Then I meet with the doctor, and I tell him we were planning on going away for a few days. Did he think I’d end up having to go back on Monday or Tuesday? Since the follies are so small, I mean. He said he wasn’t sure if it would be Monday or Tuesday, but he took down a note that said Tuesday would work better for me, and as long as my estrogen levels were low enough, that should be fine. I figured we’d be golden…how could my E2 levels be high with no follies growing?

So I went home, finished packing for the trip, N packed the cooler .We still didn’t know if I’d be going in Monday or Tuesday – meaning, a 2 night vacation, or just one night? We brought the dogs to their doggy camp, paid $70, worked out arrangements with my mother to get them tomorrow and keep them tomorrow night, if we find out I don’t have to go in until Tuesday. We packed for 2 nights, knowing it could just be for one night only, but assumed the call wouldn’t come in until we were already on the road.

Thank goodness we were running late. After dropping off the dogs we swung into a Subway, and that’s when I got the call from some other weekend nurse. They need me TOMORROW. For bloodwork only. Because my E2 is high, 213, and my dosage needs to be dropped tonight.

My 2, down to 1 night vacation has officially turned into a zero night vacation – no vacation! And we were sitting in the car, about to hit the highway, with two nights worth of meals in the cooler, bags packed, dogs gone, you know, the whole bit. Could not believe it. So on the phone I was a little in denial at first..telling her that the doctor had predicted Monday or Tuesday, and she put me on hold and talked to another doctor, who told her that I could come in Monday for bloodwork, instead of tomorrow, but to be prepared that things could progress too fast, and they might have to cancel the cycle. Obviously we’re not going to risk that. And I couldn’t even look for a place in NH that does bloodwork, because who is going to be open on a Sunday morning, at a doctor’s office that isn’t mine? So we turned around and went home. I’m not going to pick the dogs up, because they are already paid for. So they have to spend the night in a place that’s not their favorite while we are home, 20 minutes away, and I feel bad.

Then I ask the nurse on the phone what the plan is from there, and because my levels are high, and they appear to be a bit concerned about this, I will also more than likely have to go in Monday morning for bloodwork and ultrasound again. That’s 3 days in a row, people. My arm is bruising up and looking like I’ve gone on a drug binge.

In the end, we’ll go on a date tonight somewhere not far away, and just pretend we didn’t just waste $70 for doggy care we don’t need. Tomorrow, I’ll get my blood done very early, and dammit, I’m going to that lake house, but it’s only for the day. You know, because I have to go back again the next morning. So much for vacation!

I will get over it, and in the scheme of life it’s not a big deal. It’s just frustrating that we were minutes from the highway with a packed car, and had to turn around. And the wasted money. And the lack of puppies in our house right now.

But really, there’s another underlying issue maybe you guys can help me with. I’m a little concerned – I have no developing follies, but my estrogen is at 213, apparently high enough for the doctors to make me lower my dosage tonight, and go in 3 days in a row to be monitored. Should I be worried here, that something bad is happening? Could the cysts be doing this? What does it mean when E2 goes up but follies don’t grow? I’m trying not to worry, but this doesn’t seem normal. Someone will get hurt if I have to cancel this cycle.

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Now I know why it’s a smiley face :)

Well, if there’s one thing I have learned so far while struggling with fertility it’s this: the highs are so high, and the lows are very low. Up and down, up and down. It’s a roller coaster ride.

I felt pretty low when my OB-GYN wouldn’t help me anymore, and sent me to an RE. I felt giddy when I found out I could see this new RE in less than a week after that gyno appointment. I felt equally happy when my RE did an ultrasound and said, flat out: “Well, it looks like you’re not ovulating. That’s the problem.” I was so happy to have an answer to my long cycles, irregular periods, and lack of ovulation.

Then I had to wait. Waiting for extended periods of time always drag me down. I had to go through an entire cycle before I could start Clomid, because my RE meeting that day was already at least CD 5 or so. Then I needed Provera, of course. Then I got my Clomid.

Predicted ovulation time for Clomid came and went. I read online that many people found they had a late ovulation when on Clomid, and I tried to keep that in mind as I felt myself get lower and lower. I got into that funk.

Well. Last Thursday I went for my CD 21 ultrasound, which is typical for when you’re on Clomid. I panicked at the lab, because the less-than-professional young nurse was giving me crap about coming in too close to the closing time. Luckily, she still took my blood. Of course, obviously I didn’t ovulate. That’s what they were checking. I temp every day, check my CM, use OPK’s, and faithfully chart it on Fertility Friend. I didn’t ovulate. So imagine my surprise, on Friday night, when I got home at 5:00 and found this message on my answering machine:

“Well, it looks as if you’re about to ovulate, which is good….hmm…if I were you I’d go have a really fun weekend (as she snickers). We want to see you Monday for blood work again, to see if you did ovulate.”

What?? I was actually about to POAS anyway, so I went ahead and did it, and got this beautiful image:

That made my day. In all these months, I’ve seen that smiley face one time, just once. I think it was a fluke. I almost believe it never even happened. Now, it did. I’ve spent the weekend analyzing my new friend, Ovulation. Who knew? I had some major cramping all Friday and Saturday, which was a new feeling. It felt like period cramps, but of course I knew it wasn’t. My left side (near my ovary) was more sore than the right, so I assume I ovulated through that one. I have no idea, this is all new to me.

I’ve been back on a high. That said, our BD timing wasn’t…perfect. Not exactly how I wanted it to be, and I was a little concerned. But it was still there, and I’m just going to hope it was enough. I had a smiley face two days in a row, and then today, back to nothing. I assume it happened, but my temperature hasn’t risen yet.  A quick google search told me that some people take a day or two after ovulation for their temps to rise. Mine better rise. Granted, tomorrow I’m going for another blood test, so I’ll find out there if it happened or not. But it sure felt like it happened.

So I’m basically about to start the two week wait (TWW). Yuck. I have spent enough of my brain cells on all of this recently, so it would be really nice if I could just not think about it. I’m already talking myself out of it working (since the timing was not as ideal as it could have been) and planning on fixing that in the next cycle. I can’t get my hopes up.

Yet, I’ve done something bad already – I’ve allowed myself to daydream about that wondrous day when I find out that I am, in fact pregnant. Will I cry? Scream? Laugh? Stare at it blankly? How will I tell people? Will I tell people?

Why am I thinking about this??

Not yet. One day at a time.