It’s been another week of not knowing what to write about, so I haven’t. But then, it’s amazing what a 10-hour mostly uninterupted sleep will do for a person, because I woke up today and decided it’s time for an update.
On the infertility front, I’ve been trying hard not to get worked up about the fact that my consultation appointment with the doctor isn’t until the end of June. Since I started with my RE back in November, I haven’t been in limbo. I’ve been waiting, maybe, to ovulate, but since we all know that isn’t going to happen right now, I’m just going on with life until the doctor would like my period to start. Back to Provera – it’s been 7 months since I was last on that.
That’s why I was a little surprised to have some tell-tale CM signs a few days ago. It was around CD 21, and I wondered if maybe it was possible, that I could be ovulating. I used OPK’s two days in a row, nothing, and decided I don’t want to waste them. My CD 12 ultrasound showed absolutely nothing happening, and they haven’t monitored me since, especially after I declared an end to stair-stepping and more Clomid.
Besides, there are three weeks left of school. Three very busy weeks. I will be throwing all my energy into my students, with activities, awards, parties, reflections, etc. and by the time it’s all over, my appointment will be here. It will go fast. And what if I did ovulate right now? I mean, I’d be happy, definitely. But then I’d have to take time off work to go in for the IUI, and lord knows what other tests I’d need to have done, and I do not want to miss any more school this year. I want to be at work, with the kids who have made me pretty happy the last 6 months. So I’m letting it all go.
And when I say all, I mean all. I haven’t temped, I haven’t charted, I haven’t tried to plan anything with regards to fertility. Unfortunately, Clomid is still in my system. I still have good moments and bad moments (I wouldn’t even call them days, it’s up and down multiple times a day), and when it feels really bad, I chalk it up to Clomid. Now, I wouldn’t be able to do this, probably, if that were the only sign that Clomid is still around. But my hot flashes continue. You know, I’m having a hard time remembering a time when I didn’t have hot flashes. They are so common now that while they irritate me, I don’t think much of them. I’m having one right now, as a matter of fact. I just get super flushed, all of a sudden, and have to take off a layer, or throw the sheets off, while my skin burns for 3-5 minutes. Then it’s over. But I’m hoping with the end of Clomid, they are on their way out. I wake up in the middle of the night only once or twice now, as opposed to two or three times, like the last few weeks. And my good moments are increasing. I feel more like myself – more motivated, excited to be and feel healthy, happy to be laughing with good friends. I feel better, most of the time. This just reminds me why I will never go back on this drug. I’m moving on to injectables this summer, and I’m frankly excited to do so.
I had a little conversation with my husband this week, after Facebook revealed one of his closest friends and his wife just had their baby. They had had a miscarriage at 6 months, which was extremely hard for them, and finally got a take-home baby boy. I am happy for them, of course, but the pictures still sting. Anyway, I asked N how he was feeling. I said something like, “I know the ups and downs emotionally are usually all about me, and we never talk about you. Surely you must be a little upset over seeing the baby pictures?” And he replied, “No, not really. I mean, I do really wish that was us, but just like with everything else in my life, (and he shrugs his shoulders), it’ll happen soon. I know it will.” And that’s really his mindset. It used to drive me crazy, when we were dating, how nothing fazed him. Sometimes it’s a good thing, but other times, when I wanted him to care about something, he didn’t. Either way, this is who he is. He doesn’t stress, he doesn’t get worried, he assumes things will work themselves out. This is NOT who I am, but I am grateful to be married to someone this way, because if my husband was as worried and stressed as I am – we’d be a mess. He balances me out, for sure.
Besides, he has other things on his mind, too. He’s got a full Ironman he’s racing in July, but tomorrow, he’s “practicing” with a half-Ironman race. It’s a 1.2 mile swim, followed by a 56 mile bike ride, followed by a half marathon, 13.1 miles of running. It’ll take him around 6.5 hours, and I am bringing snacks, a comfy chair, my camera, and the second book of the “50 shades” series (more on that book series in another post).
I’m finding, recently, that I’m craving movies and books more than I have in my whole life. I think I’m enjoying being lost in something, other than my thoughts, and that has never happened to me before. Therefore, in the past two weeks I’ve read the first “50 Shades” book (that took two days last weekend) and saw two movies. For those who really know me, I don’t watch movies. I’m really not interested, unless there’s someone really good-looking in it (and this has only occurred since my hormones have decided to show themselves), and then I’m interested! I saw “The Avengers” with N last weekend, because he’s been dying to see it, even though it’s not really my thing. But then I got stuck on the actor who plays Captain America (Chris Evans, btw), so then last night, I watched “Captain America”.
I’m going to need more books to read, after I finish this series. I am looking for those that I will get stuck in, can’t stop thinking about, and can’t put down. Those that take me away from my own problems. Any suggestions? I know you all read a lot out there – what’s a really good book recommendation you can give me?
Finally, on the health front – since my happiness has returned to me (it’s been two weeks since that awful weekend), I’ve been motivated. Exercise has never really been a problem, but I continue to do it, with spinning and running and Friday afternoon kickball games, of course. But as for food – I continue to try to take my sister’s advice. (In between meals), when you’re hungry, drink water. I’m not a water drinker – I never have been. I can run a half marathon and not want a drink. But pushing water has really helped. It helps my IBS issues, it curbs my cravings, and it keeps the bloating away. I’ve lost a few pounds of water weight, but I wake up feeling skinny, because of the lack of bloating. I’d say the biggest thing I’m finding, to wake up feeling skinny, is that I force myself to drink a whole water bottle between dinner and bed. As for what I’m eating, I’m still 100% gluten-free, 99% sugar-free. I haven’t caved, and my proof is in the hives I don’t have. I’m eating a lot of produce, that’s for sure. I feel good with vegetables. So, when I do want that snack, I have a bell pepper, cut up cucumbers, or even fruit (watermelon, apple, etc). Fruits aren’t as good for me as vegetables, but I can still have them in moderation.
My students laugh at my bell peppers. In fact, they have created this “event” they are calling “pepper time”. There are about 5 students whose buses are called late in the afternoons, so they stay in with me as I have my after school snack, my bell peppers. For whatever strange reason, they have built this up to be a huge thing, and during the school day, they are setting timers and counting down until “pepper time”. I have, on occasion, given them a piece of one, and they love them. They started asking me if they could bring in peppers for pepper time. One student in particular brings in red peppers every day, to match mine, and when I eat mine, he eats his. Two other kids brought in jalapeno peppers one day (disgusting), but whatever they bring in, they are happy to sit with me as I eat a pepper, of all things. Strange, yes, but their innocence and happiness is infectious. I’ve decided, as a treat, that in the next few weeks I’m going to bring in a ton of cut up peppers, cucumbers, and carrots, and let my whole class enjoy “pepper time”. To think that I don’t need to bake them cupcakes – they want what I eat, vegetables. I can work with that.
You know, every day is a new day, and I’m not always sure what my mental state is going to be. I’m still a little worried about this summer – I have to keep busy. Just thinking about sitting home, doing nothing, and wallowing in self-pity is depressing. But until then, I’m going to enjoy these last three weeks, with hopefully a happy, optimistic attitude, because I deserve that. Now, to pick up “50 Shades Darker”…